Project C, § 1: A New Step

Lately my self outline has drifted... and slowed down... substantially. A new project concerning secrets and the shadow has wiggled its way into my mind.

I've been reflecting on what all makes us who and what we are, including experiences, family roots/background, the people we meet, places we go, lessons learned, and secrets kept. May initially appear an elementary thought process, but in reflection of this brief list I found that "lessons learned" stuck out to me. Perhaps this because it's something a few of my clients and I have been talking about in sessions--turning mistakes into lessons learned. Not all of my secrets are mistakes; only a small fraction to me might be considered as such, but the majority that I used to call mistakes have turned into...you got it...lessons.

An image and poem began to materialize in my thoughts regarding secrets and all I had learned before, which resulted in quick painting and praying for my gallery-hanging-dreams to come true (i.e. hang a canvas from the ceiling facing down... you look up and see it. There's more to it than that but if it can be displayed at the show, you'll just find out there).




I forgot to document whilst speed painting.





Alvin watched from afar.

Still evolving...

Project B, § 5: There's more...

So, I f i n a l l y added a few bits to the legs of my outline.



What I had to say seemed to fit there: they both regarded (not) going places.

At our last documentation day, Monica asked me what a secret was, since it often is seen as being about shame. Her question got me thinking about why I keep secrets, and whether secrets mean that no one--aside from yourself--knows them, or if they are secrets to everyone except for a small number of folks.

This then brought me back to my initial question in my research about secrets, or our "darker side": In the process of encountering our shadow/secrets, when is it that we move on? Is it before we put it out in the open? Is it after we tell others, or does it take even longer? Many might say that by telling other people, it's better because you might find others that share your trouble or have a larger support group.

Through this process *NEWS FLASH* I have found that, for myself, it may depend on the secret. Some of them, my husband doesn't know yet but I intend to tell him soon (i.e. next week when he's back in town). Some of the secrets on my outline I told him before I wrote them down, or the day after, but I was still coming to terms with them. Does that mean they're still a secret, since he knows? To me: yes, because there are reasons I don't tell other people about them.

Is this a social thing?
Is this an emotional thing?

These questions remind me of our clients and the counseling relationship, and relationships in general: People tell us things the way they do for a reason, and there is a reason that some things are shared and some things are not.

Project B, § 4: Moving Onward

Once I got what I thought was out of my system, I decided to create a boundary. I crocheted the longest string I've ever crocheted in my life thus far and formed it around the outline, taping it down as I went. It was odd that, as the yarn was multi-colored, it seemed to change color around various body parts and match it up similarly. I went with it, and let it lead me around.

Once it was placed, I took a break from it and decided to add a few more secrets. One of them is what I thought was the most guarded of mine, but I found myself not covering it up as much as the others. Maybe I'm ready to let go.



The next day, I began sewing on the yarn outline. Crinkle crinkle crinkle...

(video of such will be added later)

Once finished (it seemed to never end!) I continued with the secrets...



(that one's not mine--I'm currently holding it for somebody, so shhh)



This one needs to be healed another way...



* * * * * * *

I've realized that I've been "neglecting" my legs lately... or completely. Maybe I just don't feel like anything I hold inside myself "belongs" there, but when I look at my daily life, it kind of makes sense. I'm not running as much as I used to, so perhaps out of sight = out of mind.

Project B, § 3: Remembering

I decided to take a brief hiatus from documenting secret information to reflecting on recent news I had received regarding friends and family.

A cousin of my dad's passed away from cancer, my grandpa was dying, and my best friend's dad was just diagnosed with cancer. I was mentally preoccupied.

Remembering what we had done for Carol, I decided to make a fabric flower for not just those mentioned above, but also for those of my family and friends who had already passed in my life. I chose fabric based on what reminded me of them, or what I thought they would like best if they could choose.



It was sometimes an odd experience, as I chose the fabric and formed the flowers, because as I was choosing the fabric for my dad's cousin, I heard a voice in my head say, "Honey, you know I don't mind what it looks like. I'd love anything you make." It made me smile.

I placed the flowers on my body shape where the individuals were inflicted with cancer, or had been in their life, even if it wasn't the cause of death. If someone did not have cancer, I chose the place that first came to mind, or where I felt it in my own body.



I chose to make one for my friend's dad, even though he was not dead. Perhaps it was a way to remind me of what he was going through, or even to help me process the news.



Making the flowers reminded me of the movie "9", how the inventor made all these dolls, who were essentially made by similar processes but had their own individuality. I decided to document my thoughts inside Project A, which is almost the only action it's gotten since the beginning of Project B.



The following week I made another flower for my grandpa, my last living grandparent, and put it in his casket at his funeral.



Regardless of what happens to the rest of the flowers on this project, I am glad that one is with him. I've never seen a body literally fall into shadow like I did at his funeral, watching the lid close and seeing his folded hands disappear. So permanent.

Perhaps that is why I have been avoiding public documentation. Even though I don't have to talk about that on here, I know it can help me process it all. I thought I was okay with it all, but I guess I wasn't. It wasn't until now that I realized this, which--haha!--supports Jung's theory about how people can keep secrets from themselves.

That secret's for free.

Project B, §2: Development

Long time, no post. It's not that I haven't been creating, just somehow I stopped making my documentation public. It's not that I don't want you all to know what I've been doing, but honestly, I've checked out a bit lately.

I began to add some information that I haven't shared with others, and shared it with the paper and materials instead. I often made what was going to (partially) cover the message first before writing it down, that is, if I was more willing to keep it difficult to read by others.



I wanted to be consistent by writing down the information in permanent marker, so they were all on the same plane, but after a few additions I realized that hey--permanent marker might just increase their permanence, even though I was sure the project would be physically destroyed some day.





It's coming together... but I was feeling preoccupied by life outside of school.