Thursday, February 25, 2010

Project B, § 3: Remembering

I decided to take a brief hiatus from documenting secret information to reflecting on recent news I had received regarding friends and family.

A cousin of my dad's passed away from cancer, my grandpa was dying, and my best friend's dad was just diagnosed with cancer. I was mentally preoccupied.

Remembering what we had done for Carol, I decided to make a fabric flower for not just those mentioned above, but also for those of my family and friends who had already passed in my life. I chose fabric based on what reminded me of them, or what I thought they would like best if they could choose.

It was sometimes an odd experience, as I chose the fabric and formed the flowers, because as I was choosing the fabric for my dad's cousin, I heard a voice in my head say, "Honey, you know I don't mind what it looks like. I'd love anything you make." It made me smile.

I placed the flowers on my body shape where the individuals were inflicted with cancer, or had been in their life, even if it wasn't the cause of death. If someone did not have cancer, I chose the place that first came to mind, or where I felt it in my own body.

I chose to make one for my friend's dad, even though he was not dead. Perhaps it was a way to remind me of what he was going through, or even to help me process the news.

Making the flowers reminded me of the movie "9", how the inventor made all these dolls, who were essentially made by similar processes but had their own individuality. I decided to document my thoughts inside Project A, which is almost the only action it's gotten since the beginning of Project B.

The following week I made another flower for my grandpa, my last living grandparent, and put it in his casket at his funeral.

Regardless of what happens to the rest of the flowers on this project, I am glad that one is with him. I've never seen a body literally fall into shadow like I did at his funeral, watching the lid close and seeing his folded hands disappear. So permanent.

Perhaps that is why I have been avoiding public documentation. Even though I don't have to talk about that on here, I know it can help me process it all. I thought I was okay with it all, but I guess I wasn't. It wasn't until now that I realized this, which--haha!--supports Jung's theory about how people can keep secrets from themselves.

That secret's for free.


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